Sunday, May 20, 2012

Should bloggers be writing about their relationships?

NO! (Caps intended).

It only took me six months to figure that one out. Duh.

For those of you who've wondered whether I've disappeared and gone fishin, the answer is yes. Except in a different pond.

I pulled the rod (no, not that kind) out of the online NYC dating pool, and by doing so I unconsciously hooked a very big fish. From the ex-boyfriend pool. And yes, he happens to be very big indeed (As in tall. Please get your heads out of the gutter).

My ex-boyfriend (call him Mr. Big II) reemerged on the heels of my last short-lived relationship. At the time, I thought it was merely a sign meant to spotlight the obvious things that weren't working in the other relationship. I was skeptical to get back together with him, as most are.

I've heard divergent thoughts about getting back with the ex. Some people have said, "Your ex is an ex for a reason." Others testify to the fact that a former ex can have future potential, specifically because they were your ex first. Not only because you already know eachother well when you rekindle and don't have to go through the stressful (and perspective skewing) process of courtship, but because the act of breaking up itself fans the flames of the heart and reaffirms what it is you actually want - or had. Also, I believe that the experience of missing one another post break-up is a bonding experience in itself.

When Mr. Big II and I dated one year ago, I blogged for the duration of our relationship. I didn't blog about him per se, but I frequently found it impossible to omit mentioning him or an incident when applicable to the post's topic. People used to ask me (including the guy I was in the short term relationship with) how I could even reference him at all - a legitimate question. And "Short Term Guy," after reading my blog before our second date, asked me not to even mention that I was dating him. He is a private guy, and while initially it was a jolt for me, I respected it. And so I didnt blog for the two months we dated.

I also considered that my posts over the last two years, specifically the early ones, were divorce-centric. I was still processing my divorce and in it's aftermath, I had plenty to say (and consequently work out). Was the need to blog tied to those raw feelings I was digging through, and now that most of the pain has been mined and the learnings activated, am I officially over the divorce and therefore blogging about it?

So when Mr. Big II and I began dating again, I didn't have the urge to blog anymore. I had also started a new book, and was pouring my creative energy into that, but I realized that was just an excuse. Taking a break made me realize the obvious (which was obvious to everyone but me):

Do I really want "the world" to be reading about my private life on a weekly basis?

If I did, I'd be writing a memoir - instead of fiction.

That said, I decided to write today because simply, frankly, I miss it. And oddly I miss my readers, invisible as you may be.

And I know Mr. Big II wouldn't mind if I chose to blog again. He encourages me to write honestly, first and foremost, and trusts that I will respect his privacy in the process. But perhaps it's time for a change in course. Perhaps this is an opportunity for my blog to evolve.

But into what?

I welcome your suggestions. And hope you hang with me in the process.


  1. Write about life Cougel! Your insights and observations have been a welcome addition to every week, and I personally look forward to your Sunday post :) And - if life be what is written about and feels the most natural, maybe the description above can transform a bit to echo that... maybe it's more about Kugel and less Cougel? From Wikipedia it says that "the name of the dish comes from the German Kugel meaning "sphere, globe, ball"," and isn't life this way? Circular, interconnected, often learning one lesson over and over before we master it and move on to the next?

    I also loved reading that eating Kugel on the Jewish Sabbath is believed to be a harbinger of special spiritual blessings... this triggered the thought that Cougel has her deeper layers too... And in that complexity and variety, we can't help but look forward to what she serves up next, because we know it's going to taste like a life that is savored and shared...

  2. I'm curious about your writing life. Is there anything you can share from that?